21: working through the fear

I met with my trainer last night at the gym. I was pretty nervous, but she made me feel at ease and I survived the workout! So that’s one fear down! My trainer, Adrianne, and I had a great talk during and after the workout. I can’t stress enough how amazing it is knowing that you are never alone in anything. Many people are or have been where I am, at this moment. If other people have survived, so can I!

Everyday I notice weight lightening in my mind, and everyday I notice things that need to be confronted. I got over yesterday’s fear, but now I have a new fear.

On my way home from the gym I started thinking,”OMG! This is real. I can’t back out. I’m going to die.” Yes, this is all in my mind, but I’m battling myself back and forth. On one hand, I was happy with what I did last night. The workout was hard but not overwhelming. Yet, the next second I’m thinking, it’s going to get harder. This weight loss stuff  comes with a price. You are a wussy and you know it!

Lies aren’t always bold-faced. Sometimes, lies are disguised with just enough truth to make room for doubt. A lie, is a lie, is a lie… but I think these “doubt planters” are the worst. Mainly because you can reason your way in and out of things so easily. These are the lies that I know, for sure, are planted deepest in my psyche. They are the reasons I commit to the label of “Quitter”.

The saying is that when the going gets tough, the Tough get going. In my life it has been: When the going gets tough, get out! And I have paid many a consequence and loss of opportunities because of it. Now, putting the past behind me, I realize that I have an opportunity now to either: 1. Let fear take me over, yet again, and run away. Or, 2. Look straight down the barrel of the gun and face my fear.

I am a wuss. I am afraid of failure, big time. But we all know that without risk there can be no true reward. Bishop TD Jakes tweeted Proverbs 13:11 today. “Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathereth by labour shall increase.” Basically, God loves work. He rewards a true effort. So, if I have a goal in mind, I need to get to work! Weight does not come off on its own.  I have to work.

I have to work.

I am a work in progress!

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24-22: the mind is a battle field

Accountability can be scary and humiliating. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about the “ugliest” parts of yourself. It’s just like being naked in front of a mirror. You are putting everything out there for examination.

First step in being accountable is finding someone you can trust. Or if you’re lucky enough to have a good friend that can see through your crap, that’ll work too! Having someone call you out on your excuses is frustrating but refreshing. You have to be willing to look past your fears and find out what is really true about You.

I found someone who can work out with me, and I have been sending her a food journal every night. It has been nerve-racking because I’m still messing up with food portions and being unprepared. I almost lied on yesterday’s food journal, but I knew that if I sent in a lie I would not be helping myself. I would save face, but not my body.

My family and I are preparing for yet another move (5 moves in 6 years), and I won’t be able to join a gym till we’re settled. But my trainer decided to be very generous and take me as her guest and work out with me any way. We’re supposed to start tonight. Last night I began to freak out. I even had a dream that I was on an obstacle course, running up and down stairs and breath! I woke up this morning terrified. What if my trainer judges me? I’m so out of shape and so heavy, maybe I won’t be able to keep up. What if it’s too hard and I quit, yet again? What if after What if filled my head.

I had to email my girl this morning to talk me down. Believing that you’re weak is debilitating. It does make you weak, but only in your mind. My first battle field is in my mind. I am determined to win the war against my own thoughts!

I cannot let my thoughts control me with fear. There are many other What if’s to ponder. What if I discover how strong I really am? What if I actually regain control of my weight & health? What if I become happier than I have been in a while? What if I regain my confidence? Wouldn’t that be something to see…

28-25: dreaded relapse

It is Sunday night, once again. Now, I did say that I was going to start practicing having more mercy on myself, and that’s been tough at times. It’s getting better though.

Admission: Whenever I starting doing well I mess things all up by reverting backward. I gained a bit of security back and have been feeling good about all the things God has been teaching me. However, I have never had a good handle on how to reward myself properly for the small day-to-day accomplishments. I get happy, I eat more food. I lose a few pounds I think, Hey! It’s alright to eat what I want right now. I worked hard. Yet, this is so dumb and pointless. How much sense does it make to eat well all week, and lose a half pound or so, just to gain it all back over the weekend? All you’re doing is dealing with the same pounds over and over again. No wonder it’s so frustrating. Food is not a reward. Not a real good one, any way. Sean suggested that instead of having an extra plate of food, I should go to Starbucks and get an iced green tea. It is a good idea. I love the Tazo Green Tea. It makes me feel so fresh and healthy. It literally makes me happy when I drink it. My best friend Anamaris says to treat myself to a good bath, mani or a pedi. Sounds good too. But I always go back to food. I have been doing well on discovering myself, but still haven’t found a good balance yet. So..there’s obviously still a lot of work to do.

I’m not good with keeping momentum, which is why I believe I always relapse. I need strong accountability. My husband, frustrated, asked me once, “Why do you need to be accountable to some one? Can’t you hold yourself accountable?” No, I answered. I know I can’t trust myself! I have a PROBLEM. Isn’t admission the first step towards recovery??? Hello, my name is Alejandra Landry, and I have a major problem with food. I eat too damn much! There is a major disconnect between my stomach and my head. Now, I have been trying to work on the disconnect between my heart and my head. So far, so good. “You want to heal your body? You have to heal your heart.” And that is exactly what I’m trying to do.

Relapse is a mind control thing. You want to quit something, you want to move past something, you want to change something…you have to DO. It’s all about choices, and it can’t be based solely on emotions. Our emotions, our hearts are deceitful at times. You can’t always “follow your heart”, because sometimes the heart isn’t thinking rationally or reasonably or not even REALISTICALLY. Reality, when you choose to face it, can save you. It’s not always pretty and surely not always what we want to hear…but truth never goes away quietly. Truth screams to the grave. And I don’t want that because all that means is that it’s too late.

So, once again, here I am…Sunday night. Contemplating and going through all the wrong things I have done. I ain’t mad, but I do have to start over. Mercy is new every morning. So God willing, I can have another chance to start again.

With all this said, I am trying to save some money so I can work with a personal trainer. I need strong accountability, and I’m willing to pay for it. My body has paid long enough. I am totally worth the money. Because it’s not about the trainer being worth the cost. I AM WORTH THE COST. Jesus already proved that to me. Now I have to prove it to myself. I need to get it together.

30-29: dirty lies & wonderful truths

It is easier to believe lies about yourself than the truth. That’s what I’ve been dealing with today. Last night, the lights went out in my neighborhood about 7:20pm. There wasn’t much else to do, so my husband and I went to bed. The silence was driving me crazy because all I could hear was the wind blowing outside my window and my own thoughts. My thoughts have not been very good lately, as they pertain to myself. I have believed too many lies, for too long now.

A lot of things that I surrendered in my contract the, other night, are the lies that I have been living with. I had to look at each one and find a way to replace each lie with the truth. It couldn’t be my truth, however. I am biased, and I already have programed in my heart and mind what I want to believe. So I went searching outside of myself for things I couldn’t see.

  1. I am the only person who has ever felt what I am feeling.
  2. I am undesirable, to my friends and to my husband.
  3. People who are thinner than I am are better than me.
  4. God cannot help me with this problem.
  5. I will never be able to succeed.

My weight alienates me, or so I think it does. It’s hard going through a tough time thinking that you are the only person in the world dealing with a particular problem. It causes a lot of loneliness, much undeserved loneliness. My journey is mine and mine alone, but I’m crazy in thinking that no one out there could ever possibly understand what I’m going through. I am not alone.

I have mentioned already that my weight has caused me to be intimated by my friends. How insane is that? How could I be intimated by people that I love and that I know LOVE ME BACK?!!! I am feeling at my lowest, needing care and affection and I am pushing away the very people that can give me what I need. That is stupidity plain and simple. Not to mention that my poor beloved husband gets the worst of it. I push him away because I think he’s either disgusted by me or that he’s only with me because he has no other choice. My husband chases after me like nobody’s business, and everyone always has a choice. He loves me. He thinks I am beautiful, and losing the weight or not losing the weight cannot make him love me more than he already does. True story! He told me that himself today. I am loved. Fat or skinny I will always be Alejandra. And I am beneath no one. I was made wonderfully, fearfully and purposefully. I AM LOVED!

God’s word is true. He is not a man that He should lie or change his mind about me.(Numbers 23:19) He loves me and sent His son Jesus to set me free! His grace is enough for me.(2 Corinthians 12:9) God you are enough for me, and I can do all that I need to do through Christ that gives me strength.(Philippians 4:13) You said it. I believe it. Jesus said that if I believe in Him just as the scriptures have said, that out of me would flow rivers of LIVING water.(John 7:38) You have given me new life! I want to grab it and run! If God is for me who can be against me????(Romans 8:31) I don’t want to be against you, Lord. Being against you has set me against myself. I need truth, solid, unshakable truth to get me through this trial. I don’t want lies any more. Here are all my lies. Give me all your truth.

 

 

34 – 31: life happens, giving myself mercy & accepting surrender

It was a busy weekend filled with mall outings, a birthday party and a zoo day. I lost 1.5 pounds. This morning I weighed myself and I was 224 (gained what I lost and then some). That really makes me laugh. The weekend was crazy, but I was living life and enjoying it with my babygirl. Unfortunately, I didn’t make too many wise decisions with my food choices. Last night, just like every Sunday night, I questioned myself and beat myself up for all my poor choices. Every Sunday night I’m trying to figure out how to do better, when will I stop being so stupid, when will I get enough courage to just do what I have to do???!!!!

Then this morning, I woke up late, and as I got ready for work I decided I was going to stop. I am going to stop beating myself up for every mistake I make. It is one thing to want to do better, but when you criticize yourself to the point of no self-esteem…you’ve gone too far. That is trying to be a perfectionist…and perfect I am absolutely NOT. So, stop, Ale. Stop trying to figure out perfection cause it aint gonna happen. Instead, I choose to have as much mercy on myself as my Father does. He wipes my slate clean every morning, and so should I. His mercy leads us to repentance. Our self-mercy should help us accomplish the same. Guilt is a cross too heavy to bear. So I’m putting it down.

……………………………………….

I’m discovering a pattern in my life. I have so much pride. It is beyond ridiculous to me. And you would wonder how you could have so little esteem of yourself to care so much of only yourself…How does that happen? I am on Day 10 today in The Purpose Driven Life. Surrender was today’s topic. I want all the control in my life. I manipulate (poorly, obviously) all situations to go in my favor.  One quote caught most of my attention, as it pertains to control: “We aren’t God and never will be. We are humans. It is when we try to be God that we end up most like Satan…”

Everyday is a battle. 40 days wont completely change me, but I know that 40 days of digging into my soul definitely sheds a lot of light on my core issues. Pride and fear are my two. I want to have all the control and I am too afraid to trust God with any part of myself. This should not be.  Surrendering is a life time process…and it takes a lot of courage to say, “I am not capable.” I want courage, there is something greater at stake than just my puny little dreams of grandeur.

I took some advice from today’s devotional and putting everything down before the feet of Christ: my fears, dreams, weaknesses, regrets and hang ups. I wrote them all down like a contract. I was completely honest about making a decision to live a life of true surrender. I don’t want to be a person who is always thinking I can’t, so I don’t. I wrote everything down, gave it up before God (and my witness, Sean), and burned it all up. A true sacrifice for and from me. Fire is purifying. Just like the flames burned up my fears; I know God will burn up my heart! It’s scary and it’s exciting, but I don’t want to live a common, selfish life any more.

My contract of Surrender

Burning up my fears and hang ups

I believe God will give me Beauty for my Ashes!

35: i want to be found faithful

Wanting to resurrect myself, so far, has brought many “Aha!” moments. I have been across these points many times already, but we learn through repetition. Today, I pray that I can learn to be faithful. I want to be found faithful in all that I do, and this takes a lot of hard work. Because you can’t be faithful just once; you have to be faithful every day. Just like anything else, faithfulness is a choice. I have been unfaithful in many areas of my life. It’s not a good feeling to be found unfaithful.

Not only do you let down the perception you have of yourself, but you sorely distort other people’s perception of yourself. I know this all too well. Yet instead of going down a road of guilt, I want to go down a road of healing and faithfulness. Faithfulness leaves more of a lasting impression and influence than any song ever could, in my particular case. Fame can’t fully bring fulfilment, and money definitely can’t solve all your problems. Once this life is over all you can answer to is your faithfulness.

Let’s visit the concept of Eternity again. If we’re made for eternity, then all we do here on earth will echo once we make it to the other side…forever. I don’t want to come to the end of my life and feel like I wasted time. I’ve wasted too much time already on pity, anger, resentment and being unforgiving. I want to reach eternity and think, “I did what was asked of me, and I did it well.” So enough tripping on my bruised ego! I want to be found faithful, pushing through any drama and being who God made me to be: Me! It is never too late to be who you want to be. Start today!

36: resurrecting the writer

I love The Biggest Loser. So of course, I was watching it last night! In one particular segment I watched contestant Courtney Rainville playing basket ball with her team trainer, Dolvett Quince. He had found out that Courtney use to play sports. She loves sports, but since her weight gain she hasn’t wanted to play. The more she shot baskets, the happier and confident she became, and even confessed that playing sports was a big boost to her self-esteem. I am not a sports fanatic. So playing sports, though fun, doesn’t make me feel “whole”, so to speak.

What I love is music, writing songs and singing. I’m good at it. I’m not saying I’m the best ever, but I got some game. I spent 2 years of on my late teens/early 20’s  working on music demos. I met a lot of talented people and made some very good friends. I can say, with all honesty, it was the best time of my life. I feel a part of me is missing, now that I’m not working on anything music related. I don’t feel whole. Singing and writing songs are where I feel myself the most. Music makes me feel confident, smart, happy and even sexy because it’s such a real part of my personality.

A lot of things have gone down since I was 19.  I have suffered a lot disappointment and stalling. But I’ve discovered that the biggest stall I have placed is myself. Before I got help working on a demo, I use to write all the time just because I loved it! I couldn’t live without a composition notebook and good pen back in high school. I would write about everything and anything I felt. My poetry was my therapy. Some where along the way it shifted from having fun to trying to finding a means to an end. Writing songs or poetry hasn’t been fun in a long time, but it’s only because of my own hang ups.

I am realizing again that God made me a writer. He made me a singer. He made me creative, and there is nothing wrong about creating just to create…just because it brings me joy. I was created because it brought God joy. I can’t keep holding back what makes me happy because I’m disillusioned with not being famous. (I’m such a loser. LOL) So off I go now to buy a new notebook and a really good pen. 🙂

****Thanks to my dear friends Anamaris and Tobi, for helping realizing much of this. You are the greatest friends that I have. It makes me sad that you live so far away.****

37: letting go little by little

My body wants to control my will. It wants to sleep and eat as much as it wants, and I let it. It feels good to do nothing and veg out. Remember when I was talking about our bodies being a temple? Our bodies were made to be fit, full of energy to work and it is a home, where the Holy Spirit of God wants to reside. If we live a life slaves to our every craving, we wont live long and we wont know God. We will be held accountable for all that God has given us, including our bodies. So if we’re going to run this “race”, we have to be of sound mind and body.

This world tells us to “Eat and drink! Tomorrow we die.” As if to say, tomorrow doesn’t matter, so live how you want. We are living a lie if we believe we wont answer for every word or every action. Day 4 of The Purpose Driven Life teaches that we’re made for eternity. We don’t understand the consequences of a life style that lets us run amuck. And though I was made for eternity I don’t want to get there a minute sooner than planned. I don’t want to miss a life with my loves because a stroke, heart attack or diabetes took me away. My life has to be more than a “#3, large size with coke.” I gave life to Andrea. I want to see her live it. I share my life with Sean. I want to make sure he gets a fair deal.

What needs to stop in my life is the control I render to my body. What needs to start is the life that God has dreamed for me. In our nature, we fear for God to have control, but what we don’t realize is that nothing goes on without His knowledge and doing anyway! He can either lead us or hand us over to our cravings. Either way, He’s in control.

God, I stop running from you and running the show. I let go so you can have your way. Thank you because I am never forced. You are in control, but you are not controlling.

38: break down revelation

Had a mental break down today in the restroom, at work. I am feeling like I am in a hole, trying to climb out, but the more I try to get out, the deeper into the whole I go. I feel disconnected from God, from friends and definitely feeling disconnected from myself. The only place I feel “myself” is with Sean and Andrea, and even then, I feel like I’m not enough. I don’t want to go to church, but I want to be with God. I long for friendship, but feel intimated by my friends. I wanted to scream and throw things I as stared at myself in the mirror. I am so angry at myself.

I am realizing that I don’t like who I see in the mirror; not because I’m over weight, but because I see someone weak and afraid that is only filled with excuses. This ridiculous emotional roller coaster has to stop, and stop now! My guilt, for past health mistakes, has me restless. I am a product of my choices, but I don’t have to be a prisoner of them. I am slowly learning to forgive myself. My resentment ends up hurting my efforts. It’s like, I’m not trying to get thinner for my health’s sake, but more like, I’m out for revenge on my heavy self.

“Your past is past! Nothing will change it.” I’m re-learning all of this from day 3 in my devotional. “You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness… learn from it (your past), and then let it go.” I have been living a self-deprecating life style because I have no hope. That is a lie! God is my hope even in this! God is my hope! GOD IS MY HOPE! I have lost hope. I have not made my God-given purpose my priority. I am many different things, and yet one whole person. I have been trying to pick and choose who Alejandra is going to be. However, Alejandra is a wife, mother, daughter, friend, child of God, singer, writer, dreamer and believer. This is me! I am and can be all these things!

I’ve wasted a lot of time making Time my enemy, yet no one has more hours in a day than I do. I can do all the things needed by God’s grace. He supplies all my needs, even the need to prioritize. I’ve wasted a lot of time on doubt. I want to live every day with purpose, on purpose. Have I finally found the straw to break the camel’s back? I hope so. I want to be driven, knowing who I am and what I have to do. A new day has to start now!

39: love and freedom

Slept till 9am today. I tried to wake up early, but I seriously was tired. Last night I shared the bed with my husband and my 5-year-old. When we’re all in the bed it makes for a restless sleep for me. Andrea is the tiniest thing I know, and she can take over a queen size bed with no problem! She did make me breakfast this morning though (with the help her Lita), so I can’t be too mad at her.

………………………………………

Today I read that we were created because God loves us. Nothing about us is a mistake. Maybe not everything is the best, but with no mistake every aspect of our lives and person is for a reason. Since gaining weight I feel that I have lost the person I was before. I was fun, the life of the party. Now, though I want to be with friends, I avoid social situations, even church. I told you before that I was running out of fat clothes, and though church is not about high fashion, it has been ingrained in me that you wear your best to church. I have no best. I buy clothes that I try to double to wear to work, but my work clothes is worn so much that by the time I can wear them to church, they look all beat up. I am not good with money because I have spent my money on fast food. So…I have no money to buy the clothes I want to wear to church. Then I get depressed and buy more fast food. It’s a huge vicious cycle that is lined with all kinds of excuses. All these things have caused me to have a lot of self loathing. I am my own worst enemy. Though I know God, my husband, my little one and good friends love me regardless of my size, I cannot. I want to so bad.

It’s no wonder that obesity is linked to depression, and I really do spend a lot of my time depressed. It’s easy for some to say, “Hey, get over it! You’re beautiful. You’re a great person.” But when you know you’re not living the way you should be, it’s hard to get over. Now others may say, “Then do something about it! Stop whining!” Yes, I should do something about it. Yes, I should probably stop whining because it’s annoying as all heck. Trust me, I know ALL of this! This isn’t just about losing weight, or just excepting the fact that I’m fat. I can’t accept it. It is not acceptable. I am 28 years old, 5 feet 6 inches tall and I’m 222 lbs. I am 80 lbs over weight. Eighty pounds, that’s a lot…that’s not just something that you “get over”.  At this point, it’s not just about shedding weight, but shedding the damaged psyche that comes along with it.

Every battle we face begins with the mind. Some times we forget or don’t even realize how strong of an opponent Thought is. The Bible says that we have to renew our minds. I have major mind issues, which in turn, become weight issues. I am definitely not “fat and happy”. I hide so much of myself because of my baggage. I am not happy being me because I feel like someone else has taken over my life.

Lord, I want to love myself. I cannot see what you see, and I want to, badly. I know that who you’ve made me to be has not changed because of my weight. I am fun. I am loving. I am talented. I am your beautiful child. If you can love me, I should be able to love myself. It is a lie that thin is beautiful and fat is ugly, but when weight (any weight) brings about unhealthy habits and self loathing, it is a curse. People will starve themselves to death looking for some kind of acceptance, while others will eat themselves to death trying to fill a void. Only you can heal my heart and replace the lies with the truth. You sent your Son to die for me, so that I could be free. It is for freedom you set me free! (Galatians 5:1) I am not free. Help me to be set free.