39: love and freedom

Slept till 9am today. I tried to wake up early, but I seriously was tired. Last night I shared the bed with my husband and my 5-year-old. When we’re all in the bed it makes for a restless sleep for me. Andrea is the tiniest thing I know, and she can take over a queen size bed with no problem! She did make me breakfast this morning though (with the help her Lita), so I can’t be too mad at her.

………………………………………

Today I read that we were created because God loves us. Nothing about us is a mistake. Maybe not everything is the best, but with no mistake every aspect of our lives and person is for a reason. Since gaining weight I feel that I have lost the person I was before. I was fun, the life of the party. Now, though I want to be with friends, I avoid social situations, even church. I told you before that I was running out of fat clothes, and though church is not about high fashion, it has been ingrained in me that you wear your best to church. I have no best. I buy clothes that I try to double to wear to work, but my work clothes is worn so much that by the time I can wear them to church, they look all beat up. I am not good with money because I have spent my money on fast food. So…I have no money to buy the clothes I want to wear to church. Then I get depressed and buy more fast food. It’s a huge vicious cycle that is lined with all kinds of excuses. All these things have caused me to have a lot of self loathing. I am my own worst enemy. Though I know God, my husband, my little one and good friends love me regardless of my size, I cannot. I want to so bad.

It’s no wonder that obesity is linked to depression, and I really do spend a lot of my time depressed. It’s easy for some to say, “Hey, get over it! You’re beautiful. You’re a great person.” But when you know you’re not living the way you should be, it’s hard to get over. Now others may say, “Then do something about it! Stop whining!” Yes, I should do something about it. Yes, I should probably stop whining because it’s annoying as all heck. Trust me, I know ALL of this! This isn’t just about losing weight, or just excepting the fact that I’m fat. I can’t accept it. It is not acceptable. I am 28 years old, 5 feet 6 inches tall and I’m 222 lbs. I am 80 lbs over weight. Eighty pounds, that’s a lot…that’s not just something that you “get over”.  At this point, it’s not just about shedding weight, but shedding the damaged psyche that comes along with it.

Every battle we face begins with the mind. Some times we forget or don’t even realize how strong of an opponent Thought is. The Bible says that we have to renew our minds. I have major mind issues, which in turn, become weight issues. I am definitely not “fat and happy”. I hide so much of myself because of my baggage. I am not happy being me because I feel like someone else has taken over my life.

Lord, I want to love myself. I cannot see what you see, and I want to, badly. I know that who you’ve made me to be has not changed because of my weight. I am fun. I am loving. I am talented. I am your beautiful child. If you can love me, I should be able to love myself. It is a lie that thin is beautiful and fat is ugly, but when weight (any weight) brings about unhealthy habits and self loathing, it is a curse. People will starve themselves to death looking for some kind of acceptance, while others will eat themselves to death trying to fill a void. Only you can heal my heart and replace the lies with the truth. You sent your Son to die for me, so that I could be free. It is for freedom you set me free! (Galatians 5:1) I am not free. Help me to be set free.

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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