38: break down revelation

Had a mental break down today in the restroom, at work. I am feeling like I am in a hole, trying to climb out, but the more I try to get out, the deeper into the whole I go. I feel disconnected from God, from friends and definitely feeling disconnected from myself. The only place I feel “myself” is with Sean and Andrea, and even then, I feel like I’m not enough. I don’t want to go to church, but I want to be with God. I long for friendship, but feel intimated by my friends. I wanted to scream and throw things I as stared at myself in the mirror. I am so angry at myself.

I am realizing that I don’t like who I see in the mirror; not because I’m over weight, but because I see someone weak and afraid that is only filled with excuses. This ridiculous emotional roller coaster has to stop, and stop now! My guilt, for past health mistakes, has me restless. I am a product of my choices, but I don’t have to be a prisoner of them. I am slowly learning to forgive myself. My resentment ends up hurting my efforts. It’s like, I’m not trying to get thinner for my health’s sake, but more like, I’m out for revenge on my heavy self.

“Your past is past! Nothing will change it.” I’m re-learning all of this from day 3 in my devotional. “You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness… learn from it (your past), and then let it go.” I have been living a self-deprecating life style because I have no hope. That is a lie! God is my hope even in this! God is my hope! GOD IS MY HOPE! I have lost hope. I have not made my God-given purpose my priority. I am many different things, and yet one whole person. I have been trying to pick and choose who Alejandra is going to be. However, Alejandra is a wife, mother, daughter, friend, child of God, singer, writer, dreamer and believer. This is me! I am and can be all these things!

I’ve wasted a lot of time making Time my enemy, yet no one has more hours in a day than I do. I can do all the things needed by God’s grace. He supplies all my needs, even the need to prioritize. I’ve wasted a lot of time on doubt. I want to live every day with purpose, on purpose. Have I finally found the straw to break the camel’s back? I hope so. I want to be driven, knowing who I am and what I have to do. A new day has to start now!

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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