34 – 31: life happens, giving myself mercy & accepting surrender

It was a busy weekend filled with mall outings, a birthday party and a zoo day. I lost 1.5 pounds. This morning I weighed myself and I was 224 (gained what I lost and then some). That really makes me laugh. The weekend was crazy, but I was living life and enjoying it with my babygirl. Unfortunately, I didn’t make too many wise decisions with my food choices. Last night, just like every Sunday night, I questioned myself and beat myself up for all my poor choices. Every Sunday night I’m trying to figure out how to do better, when will I stop being so stupid, when will I get enough courage to just do what I have to do???!!!!

Then this morning, I woke up late, and as I got ready for work I decided I was going to stop. I am going to stop beating myself up for every mistake I make. It is one thing to want to do better, but when you criticize yourself to the point of no self-esteem…you’ve gone too far. That is trying to be a perfectionist…and perfect I am absolutely NOT. So, stop, Ale. Stop trying to figure out perfection cause it aint gonna happen. Instead, I choose to have as much mercy on myself as my Father does. He wipes my slate clean every morning, and so should I. His mercy leads us to repentance. Our self-mercy should help us accomplish the same. Guilt is a cross too heavy to bear. So I’m putting it down.

……………………………………….

I’m discovering a pattern in my life. I have so much pride. It is beyond ridiculous to me. And you would wonder how you could have so little esteem of yourself to care so much of only yourself…How does that happen? I am on Day 10 today in The Purpose Driven Life. Surrender was today’s topic. I want all the control in my life. I manipulate (poorly, obviously) all situations to go in my favor.  One quote caught most of my attention, as it pertains to control: “We aren’t God and never will be. We are humans. It is when we try to be God that we end up most like Satan…”

Everyday is a battle. 40 days wont completely change me, but I know that 40 days of digging into my soul definitely sheds a lot of light on my core issues. Pride and fear are my two. I want to have all the control and I am too afraid to trust God with any part of myself. This should not be.  Surrendering is a life time process…and it takes a lot of courage to say, “I am not capable.” I want courage, there is something greater at stake than just my puny little dreams of grandeur.

I took some advice from today’s devotional and putting everything down before the feet of Christ: my fears, dreams, weaknesses, regrets and hang ups. I wrote them all down like a contract. I was completely honest about making a decision to live a life of true surrender. I don’t want to be a person who is always thinking I can’t, so I don’t. I wrote everything down, gave it up before God (and my witness, Sean), and burned it all up. A true sacrifice for and from me. Fire is purifying. Just like the flames burned up my fears; I know God will burn up my heart! It’s scary and it’s exciting, but I don’t want to live a common, selfish life any more.

My contract of Surrender

Burning up my fears and hang ups

I believe God will give me Beauty for my Ashes!

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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