30-29: dirty lies & wonderful truths

It is easier to believe lies about yourself than the truth. That’s what I’ve been dealing with today. Last night, the lights went out in my neighborhood about 7:20pm. There wasn’t much else to do, so my husband and I went to bed. The silence was driving me crazy because all I could hear was the wind blowing outside my window and my own thoughts. My thoughts have not been very good lately, as they pertain to myself. I have believed too many lies, for too long now.

A lot of things that I surrendered in my contract the, other night, are the lies that I have been living with. I had to look at each one and find a way to replace each lie with the truth. It couldn’t be my truth, however. I am biased, and I already have programed in my heart and mind what I want to believe. So I went searching outside of myself for things I couldn’t see.

  1. I am the only person who has ever felt what I am feeling.
  2. I am undesirable, to my friends and to my husband.
  3. People who are thinner than I am are better than me.
  4. God cannot help me with this problem.
  5. I will never be able to succeed.

My weight alienates me, or so I think it does. It’s hard going through a tough time thinking that you are the only person in the world dealing with a particular problem. It causes a lot of loneliness, much undeserved loneliness. My journey is mine and mine alone, but I’m crazy in thinking that no one out there could ever possibly understand what I’m going through. I am not alone.

I have mentioned already that my weight has caused me to be intimated by my friends. How insane is that? How could I be intimated by people that I love and that I know LOVE ME BACK?!!! I am feeling at my lowest, needing care and affection and I am pushing away the very people that can give me what I need. That is stupidity plain and simple. Not to mention that my poor beloved husband gets the worst of it. I push him away because I think he’s either disgusted by me or that he’s only with me because he has no other choice. My husband chases after me like nobody’s business, and everyone always has a choice. He loves me. He thinks I am beautiful, and losing the weight or not losing the weight cannot make him love me more than he already does. True story! He told me that himself today. I am loved. Fat or skinny I will always be Alejandra. And I am beneath no one. I was made wonderfully, fearfully and purposefully. I AM LOVED!

God’s word is true. He is not a man that He should lie or change his mind about me.(Numbers 23:19) He loves me and sent His son Jesus to set me free! His grace is enough for me.(2 Corinthians 12:9) God you are enough for me, and I can do all that I need to do through Christ that gives me strength.(Philippians 4:13) You said it. I believe it. Jesus said that if I believe in Him just as the scriptures have said, that out of me would flow rivers of LIVING water.(John 7:38) You have given me new life! I want to grab it and run! If God is for me who can be against me????(Romans 8:31) I don’t want to be against you, Lord. Being against you has set me against myself. I need truth, solid, unshakable truth to get me through this trial. I don’t want lies any more. Here are all my lies. Give me all your truth.

 

 

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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