28-25: dreaded relapse

It is Sunday night, once again. Now, I did say that I was going to start practicing having more mercy on myself, and that’s been tough at times. It’s getting better though.

Admission: Whenever I starting doing well I mess things all up by reverting backward. I gained a bit of security back and have been feeling good about all the things God has been teaching me. However, I have never had a good handle on how to reward myself properly for the small day-to-day accomplishments. I get happy, I eat more food. I lose a few pounds I think, Hey! It’s alright to eat what I want right now. I worked hard. Yet, this is so dumb and pointless. How much sense does it make to eat well all week, and lose a half pound or so, just to gain it all back over the weekend? All you’re doing is dealing with the same pounds over and over again. No wonder it’s so frustrating. Food is not a reward. Not a real good one, any way. Sean suggested that instead of having an extra plate of food, I should go to Starbucks and get an iced green tea. It is a good idea. I love the Tazo Green Tea. It makes me feel so fresh and healthy. It literally makes me happy when I drink it. My best friend Anamaris says to treat myself to a good bath, mani or a pedi. Sounds good too. But I always go back to food. I have been doing well on discovering myself, but still haven’t found a good balance yet. So..there’s obviously still a lot of work to do.

I’m not good with keeping momentum, which is why I believe I always relapse. I need strong accountability. My husband, frustrated, asked me once, “Why do you need to be accountable to some one? Can’t you hold yourself accountable?” No, I answered. I know I can’t trust myself! I have a PROBLEM. Isn’t admission the first step towards recovery??? Hello, my name is Alejandra Landry, and I have a major problem with food. I eat too damn much! There is a major disconnect between my stomach and my head. Now, I have been trying to work on the disconnect between my heart and my head. So far, so good. “You want to heal your body? You have to heal your heart.” And that is exactly what I’m trying to do.

Relapse is a mind control thing. You want to quit something, you want to move past something, you want to change something…you have to DO. It’s all about choices, and it can’t be based solely on emotions. Our emotions, our hearts are deceitful at times. You can’t always “follow your heart”, because sometimes the heart isn’t thinking rationally or reasonably or not even REALISTICALLY. Reality, when you choose to face it, can save you. It’s not always pretty and surely not always what we want to hear…but truth never goes away quietly. Truth screams to the grave. And I don’t want that because all that means is that it’s too late.

So, once again, here I am…Sunday night. Contemplating and going through all the wrong things I have done. I ain’t mad, but I do have to start over. Mercy is new every morning. So God willing, I can have another chance to start again.

With all this said, I am trying to save some money so I can work with a personal trainer. I need strong accountability, and I’m willing to pay for it. My body has paid long enough. I am totally worth the money. Because it’s not about the trainer being worth the cost. I AM WORTH THE COST. Jesus already proved that to me. Now I have to prove it to myself. I need to get it together.

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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