20-16: quitting vs conviction

I am happy to report that I’m finding the joy in working out, again. Once the workout bug bites, eating right follows very easily. I hate sabotaging my workouts by eating crap. Dieting alone does not work for me. I’m thankful for those around me who are supporting me. My husband, as much as he’s seen me yo-yo, he continually cheers me on and watches my back. My best friend Anamaris, though she is in another state, is only a text away. *You totally help me stay grounded and not kid myself.* And of course, Adrianne, who is not only helping me workout, but is also guiding me in discovering more of myself.

I am slowly shedding mental weight, body weight and now the label of “Quitter”. There aren’t too many things in my life that I have started and have seen through to completion. It is very depressing. One problem is that I have no patience and I am delusional when it comes to real time; the time that normal people live in. I want to see results now. I want things to be finished now. I want to be skinny NOW!!!!!! Oh, the problems that this flaw causes me.

Last week, I was texting back and forth (as always)with Anamaris. I was so excited. I was feeling good with my workouts, my eating. I was proud of myself. I could see myself in my Xpress Jeans already! Then I got an eerie feeling….I texted, “I’m too excited. I have a strange suspicion that I should calm down.”  Isn’t that always the way? I get all gun-ho about something , I start visualizing my victory…but never think about the actual work and TIME that needs to be put in. Then I start looking at the reality of the situation and my excitement deflates like a balloon. I’m disappointed again. However, there is no need to get disappointed. What sets me up for failure is that I’m not looking at my goals realistically. I lack a lot of character. My discipline is weak and so is my patience.

………………

It is said that pain is weakness leaving the body. Then I must be gaining strength all over, or so I hope! I haven’t reached my limit yet, and I know that it will be tested. When that time comes, I wan to be prepared to push through the hard stuff. Labor is alway rewarded. Every day I must gear myself in to work mode. Yet, I am afraid to sacrifice. Sacrifice sometimes causes you to be isolated because you have to be so focused. I am afraid to be focused, selfish and tuned in to what needs to be done because I don’t want to be left alone. I am afraid to raise the standard for my life. (This is so deep for me on so many levels)

A moment of clarity has just occurred! This is no longer just about quitting, but about conviction. I forget how driven and strong I can be. It’s not about laziness (which is a totally different issue), but about pushing yourself without fear of other people’s opinions. Faith I have. Strength I have. Knowledge I have. Yet, they are rarely used because, what if someone thinks I’m a crazy fanatic. What if someone thinks I’m selfish…conceited…wrong, etc. There can’t be no what if’s running this show!

If I believe that I am strong, then I  must work harder. If I believe that I can do something, then it should get done. If I believe that something is important and life changing, then I need to let it change my life. Life is in a continual state of motion and change. I cannot afford to stay the same, ever. If something is not producing, it’s dead. Last time I checked…Yup! Still breathing… then I should be producing outcomes that bring forth a life worth living. My life is worth living! I have decided to blame no one. I have decided to be honest with myself and with those who care about me. I have decided to just not quit anymore.

God, please help me. Amen.

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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