trying to get back to it

Last week I filled out my Fitbook, a 12 week fitness journal. Last week began well on Monday morning. I woke up early, did my at home workout routine. I was on a roll! Got into the shower on time, had breakfast…then realized, that it was that time of the month. Thanks, Mother Nature! Thanks a lot.

So, what am I trying to say? Last week was a bust. I’m always amazed by bloat. I started last week at 209, started this week at 206 pounds. I was trying to reset my internal clock so that I could do my workouts in the a.m.; however, I have come to the conclusion that I was just not made to workout in the mornings. It takes way too long for me to actually get out of that morning zombie fog. I’m okay with it. I have a lot of energy after work to go to the gym, and that’s been my usually schedule anyway. So if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I didn’t workout this morning obviously, and I’m still trying to rev-up my engine and get in to the fitness gear. I grabbed my Blackberry after lunch and scheduled into my phone a memo: GYM! GOOOO!!! After I did homework with my baby girl and got her situated with dinner, I hit the gym. Fifteen minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the elliptical, then a 10 minute cool down walk on the treadmill. Had a nice stretch. Can’t wait to start-up yoga again because I lost tons of my flexibility. I want to make it to the gym everyday this week, well with the exception of my Thursday rest day…and I promised the little one I would take her to the park.

Any who…I just wanted to check in and let you know what’s up. I really need to find motivation. I was on an awesome roll with energy and all that,but now....ugh. Please keep working hard! Don’t let yourself fall off because it might take everything within you to get back on the ball!

Tomorrow, you’re only a day away…

Letting out a contemplative sigh, as I think about starting another challenge. Last week at Target, I bought a Fitbook. It’s a 12 week journal where you write out all your fitness and food goals. It’s a food and exercise journal in one, basically. I planned out my workouts for 12 weeks! I’m scared, to say the least. I’m happy to have a “real” food journal, but to set big goals, and then tons of mini goals seems so daunting. Of course all those dreaded What if’s pop up…

I’m going after it though. The Fitbook has me ending my 12 week journey in the early part of June. So, it’s nice to fantasize being all slim and sexy for my birthday. Another sigh…we’ll see what happens. I really don’t want to be a defeatist..which is exactly what I’m doing..but it’s so hard to think that you could actually accomplish something that you’ve been struggling for years now. Anyway…

I don’t want to be a “Debbie Downer”– so wish me luck! 12 weeks to a better me starts, tomorrow.

it’s a new day (letting go and moving on)

I need to be thankful for every new day. Every morning that I wake up is a miracle. Everyday is another day to do better. Everyday I receive is another chance to accept myself. What does every new day bring about for you? Is it dread, fear, regret? Or is it determination, courage and hope? I know that I have come along way in resurrecting myself since I first started this blog, but this past 40 day round showed me that there is still more to do. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever really be done resurrecting the girl. As long as I live this life, here on this earth, there will always be obstacles, trials and new things to do and learn.

As much as I lamented over doing nothing the past month, I can’t take for granted the things that it showed me. I was still struggling with insecurity and was waning in the courage it takes to fight everyday for what I need.

Last night, I confronted a bout of insecurity. One thing that I really hate is feeling inferior. And if you know anything, the only person that can keep you feeling this way is yourself. I know someone who started losing weight right around (one of the many times) when I was trying to lose weight. This person worked hard for sure, and excelled and seemed to get very good results fairly quickly. I was impressed, admired their hard work and dedication; and yet, I felt resentment, jealousy and inferiority. I felt damaged and supremely insecure. I couldn’t stand to be around this person. Though they never knew it, nor ever flaunted their success, I felt attacked. I felt cornered. It was disgusting.

 At the time though, my self-esteem was dragging through the mud. Yesterday I finally decided, enough was enough. I needed to speak to this person. Why? Because I needed their forgiveness. My own hang ups made me place them in a prison, and in turn locked me up as well. I wanted to be their friend, and I wanted to enjoy their company. So last night, I spoke with them, with much humility because this sort of confession is utterly embarrassing….and it was amazing. I set them free. I set myself free. They forgave me and loved me. Now I’m ready to start again without having to compare myself.

It’s tough not to look over at others and not compare yourself, but we need to learn to run our own race..even when everyone else is way ahead. I need to put things into perspective and learn to love myself, now, as I am. After every goal accomplished, I need to learn to love where I am, who I am and take that love into the next phase. I can’t control what other people are doing, or what other people think about me. I can only control what I think about myself. That is the only opinion that truly shapes me.

So let’s start everyday with new hope and courage; letting go of the past and looking forward to the future with faith, hope and love, in and for ourselves.

 

ok, let’s try this again, shall we?

 

Another 40 days gone, and of course if you’ve been reading my blog, you know that it hasn’t been a successful round

. Oh well. I did my crying the other night. I printed up my next 40 day calendar, I took my comparison picture and now I’m ready to schedule my workouts.

I’ll tell you one thing, this time change is totally throwing me off. Just before the time changed, I was getting ready to revamp my internal clock. I have to laugh at myself now for even attempting that right before I lost an hour. Now with the time change in full swing, I can attempt to adjust my internal clock again. I want to start working out in the mornings. There are a lot of things that I want to do throughout the day, but when I’m at work, I’m at work. And when I get home I have home work and chicken nuggets to attend to. I want to be an early riser. That way I can get my Bible reading and pray time in, and I can start off my day doubly well with a good workout, too!

I haven’t thought about what I want my goal to be this round, yet. I would like to finally break through the 200 barrier, but I have to do so much damage control, from the past month, that I can’t even stress myself with that. Honestly, I think I’m just going to concentrate on getting up early and getting my workout in first thing. I have gotten lazy and stopped making my meals. I have to get back to that, too. So yeah…Damage Control. That’s what this round is going to be about.

Hopefully you’ve been doing better than I have. If not, it’s good to have company down this road. Let’s keep our heads up and in the game. Remember, this is for life! Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you. 😉

First picture was taken February 4th. Second picture was taken this morning. I hate my short hair. :/ Nothing has changed except for boobs being bigger. Boo for me, yay for my husband. Hahaha

i just want to cry

My forty days are up on Thursday. I have nothing good to report for this round. It has been a huge set back, stall, and I don’t know what. Maybe I just got too comfortable after being sick in the beginning of February. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to push myself. I don’t want to make any excuses, and honestly I don’t have any.

I’m at the same weight as when I started, 209 pounds. I was sure this round was going to be the round I broke 200. I was ready too; at least, I thought I was. I’m filled with so much doubt, regret and pity. I couldn’t wait till Thursday to write. I need to get this off my mind.

Those horrible feelings are creeping in, and it seriously makes me mad. I think about these 40 days and feel like I am not worthy to reach my goals, that I’m not good enough to reach my goals…hell, I even feel like I’m not pretty enough to reach my goals. I feel that old feeling of jealousy. I do not want to be a hater. But I’m finding it so hard again to embrace those who have and are reaching their goals.

It makes me feel very sad to end this round this way. Yet I do not want to hide what I’m thinking and feeling. This blog is supposed to be about giving accountability and being transparent. So I want to reach out and let you know that I’m in a very negative place mentality, and if I don’t get out of it soon, I will not be able to find new resolve and keep pushing.

My weight hasn’t changed, which in retrospect is better than gaining. But my mind is so dark. My attitude is shifting a bit. I’m not hopeful at the moment. I want to cry and feel bad for myself. I want food to make me feel better. I want to look into the mirror and see instant results. I don’t want to do the work.

So now what? …now what? Give myself some tough love. Have my little pity party, cry a bit…but at some point, and soon, I better put my big girl panties on and grow up! This is about changing! This is about consistency. This is about DOING the work! So do the work, Ale! Do it and get over yourself! Break through your personal drama and get to work. I hope you’re doing better than I am.

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