i just want to cry

My forty days are up on Thursday. I have nothing good to report for this round. It has been a huge set back, stall, and I don’t know what. Maybe I just got too comfortable after being sick in the beginning of February. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to push myself. I don’t want to make any excuses, and honestly I don’t have any.

I’m at the same weight as when I started, 209 pounds. I was sure this round was going to be the round I broke 200. I was ready too; at least, I thought I was. I’m filled with so much doubt, regret and pity. I couldn’t wait till Thursday to write. I need to get this off my mind.

Those horrible feelings are creeping in, and it seriously makes me mad. I think about these 40 days and feel like I am not worthy to reach my goals, that I’m not good enough to reach my goals…hell, I even feel like I’m not pretty enough to reach my goals. I feel that old feeling of jealousy. I do not want to be a hater. But I’m finding it so hard again to embrace those who have and are reaching their goals.

It makes me feel very sad to end this round this way. Yet I do not want to hide what I’m thinking and feeling. This blog is supposed to be about giving accountability and being transparent. So I want to reach out and let you know that I’m in a very negative place mentality, and if I don’t get out of it soon, I will not be able to find new resolve and keep pushing.

My weight hasn’t changed, which in retrospect is better than gaining. But my mind is so dark. My attitude is shifting a bit. I’m not hopeful at the moment. I want to cry and feel bad for myself. I want food to make me feel better. I want to look into the mirror and see instant results. I don’t want to do the work.

So now what? …now what? Give myself some tough love. Have my little pity party, cry a bit…but at some point, and soon, I better put my big girl panties on and grow up! This is about changing! This is about consistency. This is about DOING the work! So do the work, Ale! Do it and get over yourself! Break through your personal drama and get to work. I hope you’re doing better than I am.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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About Alejandra
I am a mother and wife. I work a regular 9-5. I love writing, whether if it's to vent, inspire or to just be creative. I can come from many different angles, but one thing is for sure. It's all me.

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