Instagram…

…is boring.

Well, maybe not entirely . I’m on instagram. I love looking at my friends pictures. I follow friends and celebrities. To me instagram is much more entertaining than twitter. I can’t keep up with most people’s tweets.

Just like on Facebook, some people post way too often. And I know twitter only gives you so many characters, but you have that much to say maybe you should be blogging. Actually, I take that back. If you have that much to say that is either entertaining, informative, or inspirational…then you should may want to consider blogging.

This is one of the reasons, instagram is the only social app I decided to keep. Some people can also post pictures like crazy, but pictures tell much better stories than any tweet or status update, in my humble opinion.

So why I do I say instagram is boring? Because I have way too many thoughts that I want to put out there with no picture available.

I miss Facebook for this reason. I don’t update all day, but I miss having an outlet to put out my little nuggets of wisdom, revelation and questions. On the flip side though, what really is my posting purpose?

Like I said in my last blog, I would post and then check and recheck if anyone had liked of commented. Just to have some validation. The most frustrating is when I would actually have a deep question or an urgent question, and people would just like it and give me no answers.

I don’t think social media helps us to develop socially. Some think that the power to post is to say whatever you want whenever you want. I’m all for free speech. However freedom comes with responsibility, and a lot of people on Facebook show me they have no discipline at all. Then others don’t respond in any way shape or form. They’re there to stalk and take stock of you …not to be your friend.

I do miss it though…

Lost in a sea of posts

The last you saw me I had deactivated my Facebook page. I know many people who get on and get off and then back on again on Facebook. There is something about it that is totally smothering. Not to mention…yes, to mention, that it is mostly a self-absorbed waste of time. There are many pros and cons when it comes to social media. But one thing is for sure: Facebook has become a job.

There have to be a rare few, like my husband, that just get on Facebook to play games. My husband is not about posting pictures, posting his every thought or checking in at every venue. And I don’t want to sound like I’m above it all…because I am totally a poster, a status updater and check-in girl! I was checking my phone constantly. Did anyone leave a comment? Did anyone like my status, picture or check in? No one is paying attention to my life on Facebook! This must mean that I am unimportant. 

Sick, right?

That is why I had to get off. You know, you can feel lonely enough as it is in this big world; it is not enough that now we can get swallowed up in a sea of status updates, pictures and videos.

Yesterday wasn’t bad. I was sick all day, so I didn’t have time to miss Facebook. Today I went back to work. I’m surprised at how often I didn’t check my phone. Before I deleted all my apps I was checking my phone nonstop, getting dirty looks from certain coworkers for always being on my phone when they popped into my office. I wake up to pee at 3 am practically every morning…I would grab my cell and take it with me to the bathroom to see what I missed in the last 5 hours. I wouldn’t check my phone to check up on others though. I was checking if anyone was checking up on me.

I almost resent social media right now. I don’t want to knock those who stay on Facebook. I was just really tired of getting lost in it. Losing who I am because of it. I want my friends to come find me outside of Facebook. Is that snooty? If you want to have friends you must first show yourself to be friendly. So I don’t want to stalk my friends on Facebook any more.

Now just to figure out how to get in touch with people when no one wants to pick up a phone call any more….

Blogging again and letting go of Facebook

Wow! I hadn’t really realized how long I had disappeared from this blog.

I found myself slowly climbing back up the scale. Actually, last year in October, I went to the emergency room with severe pains in my stomach. The doctors thought it was my gallbladder. They ran blood work, I had an ultrasound done…nothing. Everything was clear. All they could some up was that I had gastritis or an ulcer. So they sent me home. That weekend I had another blood test to check for H. pylori. Clear there too. Every since then I have had a chronic battle with my stomach and a battle with the “poor me’s”.

I haven’t yet gotten a reign on my diet. My exercise is totally nonexistent. But this blog has been in the back of my brain nagging me. I knew that I had to get back on it. Blogging that is. Resurrecting the Girl is about a fight. And I don’t want to quit.

Actually, I decided to come back today because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter. Besides wanting to feel better and look better, this blog was also supposed to be about my mental and spiritual well-being. When I was rolling on the fitness train, I was obsessed! But I was doing awesome! The other parts of me that needed such similar attention fell by the way side.

I have been struggling a lot with my identity. I feel like I lost a part of myself when I became overweight and then obese. Also, becoming an adult has been very awkward for me. I was and am (deep inside, now it is hidden) a social butterfly of sorts. I am silly. I am funny (people I guess are laughing at me if not with me!). I used to be the life of the party. Gaining weight has made me uncomfortable in my own skin. However, at my own peril I have alienated those I long to be around the most, friends.

Many things had happened in my life, and feeling unworthy has become my niche. The cross that I carry daily. I was using Facebook to basically hurt myself. I was torturing myself by watching others from the outside. Watching old friends having fun with new friends. I am feeling miles away from a world that I don’t know even know I can get back to. So I had to cut it out. I know that I have friends. I actually have many good friends and people who I adore immensely. Yet, I don’t have a best friend (other than my husband) near by. My actual go-to-girl, my LOVE (!), lives in another state, and though we communicate practically every day, all day…I miss the closeness of a friends laugh, hug and jabs.

I want to learn to really love myself as I am and for who I am…. because that is so important in loving others genuinely. I don’t want to be jealous, which I am. I don’t want to be  bitter, which I fear may be true. I don’t want to compare myself to others any more. I don’t want to reject myself any more.

So, I am planning on getting back on track with my health; because if I have to live with gastritis, I can’t take my health lightly. But I am going to work on another project in the mean time. I loved my 40 day rounds when I blogged about fitness and health. So I’m going to blog about 40 days without Facebook.

This is my first post, and though right now I feel relieved of it (Facebook) I know I will feel the pain of it tomorrow when I go back to work. The incessant checking on my phone I know will drive me crazy. I took all my social apps off, well except for Instagram. Facebook is like a disease, and I’m sure if you’re normal and have a Facebook page, you know exactly what I mean. I’m going to need a prayer. I need to find contentment in myself and in my circumstances whether I feel good about them or not. I want to know what it means to cultivate real friendship, a true friendship…possibly get back to the purity of friendship before Facebook.

We’ll see what happens I guess. I keep saying it, but one way or the other this girl is going to resurrect!

when life gives me food, I eat it…and now to start over!

It has been a crazy 11 days.

Last Tuesday was my birthday (the 26th). I started celebrating on the 24th by going out to eat at this restaurant called The Velvet Cactus. It’s supposed to be Mexican, but it’s more of a Nola-Mex if you ask me. Food was decent, atmosphere real cool. Afterwards, we (husband, kid and friends) went down to:

The best Italian ice cream in New Orleans!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had the banana pudding gelato...Oh my word….’Nuff said.

Monday, I took off from work and a friend of mine took me out for lunch. I had shrimp quesadillas with a chipotle aioli. I ate it all up! Tuesday, a co-worker took me out for Mexican. Wednesday I chilled out and actually made it to the gym. Then Thursday I went out with some of my girls to The Rum House and had more awesome tacos, fried plantains and a beer. It was all so yummy.

Sunday afternoon, me and the family left for a little vacation station on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. I feel like I haven’t stopped eating! It was all so good and yummy…but I think I’m actually growing tired of food, for now. I had started a new 40 day round last week, but looks like I’m going to have to reset my modem. My belly is feeling so yucky. My body feels sluggish. And on top of all that I have a cold. So I’m going to spend the next 4 days trying to cleanse my body a bit.

I need some apples. I need to make sure I drink plenty of water. Which reminds me that I need to pick up some Tazo Zen tea. My body and tummy perk up so much when I drink it. No crazy purges here, but I do need to “re-align” my stomach (and my schedule). I need to do a lot of tweaking to my food, exercise and personal schedule again. I feel like I’m always telling myself this, but if I don’t make lists, plans and memos, I’ll never get things done. Time to get things back on track!

 

 

Life in 40 days, Part 1

Yesterday marked the end of Another 40 Days. These 40 day intervals are really working for me. For this post, I had the bright idea of posting pictures that I’ve randomly taken over the last 4o days. This way I don’t have to work too hard in trying to find motivation things to say. (Can you say, Lazy! hehehe) I am pretty sure that by this point in my journey, I can say Officially that this now my life style. I am choosing a resurrected life, in more ways than one! So here is a small view of what my life has been like the past month and a half! Enjoy!

1st day of this past 40 day round.

Going to work, feeling confident!

Strong enough to fight off this temptation! Honestly, who would eat something like this? lol

Enjoying a good workout outside before it gets too hot! I love this view.

Treats! And what a wonderful treat. My knees can actually support me in heels and platforms!! Relish the seemingly little things. They’re not so little!

Feeling tiny and looking it too! 🙂

I like to call them Shrimp Gondolas! Yummy, healthy food that helps make the journey a lot easier.

More treats! After a good workout: protein shake, shoes off, QUIET and a good book.

Finished product for this round. After 40 days I’m 4.5 pounds lighter! Yay Me! 🙂

real living

Bwahahahaha! With 16 days to go, it is needless to say that I wont be making my 8 pound goal. It’s all good though. Nothing wrong with reaching for the moon. Maybe I can do 8 pounds by labor day. As slowly as I lose weight, that is totally reasonable. I did lose 1.7 lbs. this week, though! Yay!

My goals need to become more reasonable, sure. In the meantime, I am enjoying the confidence that losing weight (and the work it is taking) is yielding. Beyond numbers, a healthy lifestyle brings about so much fun, enjoyable living! When I was in my teens, I was always the life of the party. I brought fun with me every where. After gaining weight and going through other personal blunders, who I truly was disappeared. Hence this blog! Thanks to God, I am finally seeing glimpses of the old me. Of course, older and wiser now, but I am still fun and can still be a life force of enjoyment for my friends! That to me, means more than 8 lbs lost in 4 weeks. This is real living!

 

On the sky deck @ the avenue hotel, Uptown Nola. Ready for a party!

 

At a girls night out, about 4(?) years ago, with Desiree “Hotness” Munoz-Grubb. Check out her blog http://www.operationhotnessblog.wordpress.com

 

 

 

 

Resurrecting the girl & Operation: Hotness
It was a costume party..in case you’re wondering. lol

I am totally enjoying this life! Can’t wait to see what’s next!

.6

This was before my daughter’s swim lesson today.

 

I told you that losing half a pound is a good week for me. Twenty-two days left, and 7.4 pounds to go! Too funny. Oh well, it is what it is. Honestly, with no excuses, I didn’t do what I wanted for the first week. I completely forgot that my baby girl was starting swim lessons last week, and I didn’t plan my workouts ahead of time. I ate fried seafood like crazy over the weekend. So yummy, but definitely NOT what you should be eating when you’re trying to lose 8 pounds in 30 days.

.6 lost

I’ll take it!

With that being said though…I’m not quite sure how much I actually weigh. I’m getting numbers from all kinds of places. My actual weigh in day is Sunday, but I weigh in on Thursday evenings at my Weight Watchers meeting. Everyone knows that you weigh more at the end of long day! So even though it may reflect a loss, I can’t go by that number because it’s showing me at my heaviest. I don’t think so. There are two scales in our bathroom. One is my mother in law’s, the other is mine. Her’s is old. Mine isn’t so old, but it’s definitely time for an upgrade. I have had to take the average weight after weighing myself on both. Her’s makes me 2 pounds lighter, mine makes me 2 pounds heavier…and that’s if you can get an “accurate” number without ERR popping up on the screen. It’s a pain in the butt.

I weigh myself any time I see a scale. The average number is 198, but it would be nice to step on the scale and know for sure that the number is correct. I’m trying not to obsess over a number. (Too late, huh?) However, like I told my dear husband, I’m trying to reach a weight goal, and it would go a lot smoother if I could get a concrete NUMBER.

….

I started challenging myself in my workout, well, it’s a challenge to me. :-p I’m trying to walk/jog 2 miles at or under 35 minutes. For me that’s fast, and I’ve been doing real well. The last 2 times I worked out, I’ve done it under 35 minutes. First time at 33 min and today at 32 minutes! If I can keep that time up for a while, maybe next week I’ll shave off a minute.

So here goes week two! Come on 1 pound loss! I’ll leave you with this lovely picture of me working out, outside.

Working out on the levee. Attractive, I know!

 

 

time to focus, time to train

Okay, it’s “Eye of the tiger” time, people! I try to be goal motivated/oriented. I still have some time left in my 40 day round, however, I feel the need to stretch my mini goal a little further. This morning, when I woke up, I realized that my birthday is just around the corner. Thirty days, to be exact. And though I had a 7.5 lb. goal set for the end of the 40 days (June 19th), I haven’t been very focused on trying to reach that goal. I know that it’s time to kick it into high gear!

I discussed with my husband (some times it feels like a tribal council meeting) what would be a reasonable goal for me to set. So, I started wide and decided to narrow. Thirty days left till my birthday; 30 pounds in the 30 days? Extremely laughable. So, no. How about 15 pounds in 30 days? Still not possible and still a very unhealthy rate of weight loss for me. Next! Okay, 10 pounds in 30 days? Not bad, but at this point in the game, I have come to really know my body and the way it functions. I could not produce that number without some serious, serious help and time. Honestly, I know I’m still not that disciplined and I just want to live a normal life!!*sigh*

I got it! Eight (8) pounds in 30 days!

Okay, so 8 pounds isn’t much different from the 7.5 goal I had earlier. So, why didn’t I just stick with that number? Half a pound a week lost, is a great week for me. Rounding that 7.5 to 8 lbs is a challenge. Come on, 8 lbs. in 30 days, that’s 4 weeks. FOUR! That is 2 pounds a week. Ridiculous! So, yeah, I think I have my work cut out for me, people.

This is the plan: I have 30 days (4 weeks) to lose 8 lbs. by my birthday. To even come close to this, I must stay within my 30 daily Weight Watchers Point Plus Value. I cannot eat any junk food whatsoever, whether I have the points or not! I have to do cardio 5 times a week. I am going to be only drinking water, herbal tea and my 1 cup of morning coffee. No sodas, not even diet!…can’t handle the bloat. And even though I’m going to stay on top of my points, I will be challenging myself to eat 1 serving of fruit and/or vegetables at every meal. Fiber is your friend, people! 😉

One thing is for sure, I have to push myself. Even if I don’t hit the 8 lb. mark, 5 will get me into a size 16 jeans, with room to spare! But you never know what you’re capable of until you try. What do I have to lose by trying, other than weight and inches?

It’s gonna be a long 30 days.

mommy reflection and a new goal

Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up this morning truly happy and truly humbled, at the very thought of knowing I am a mom. I am not at all a perfect mom, and some days I don’t even feel like a good mom. However, my baby girl has found it in her heart to love me incredibly and unconditionally! I must be doing something right!

I think what I love the most about being a mom, besides all the free kisses, are the times when I actually impart knowledge to my daughter. It is rewarding to answer questions and actually see understanding on her face. She is a big reason that I am striving to live a healthy life, a full life; because she is my life.

My daughter has never known me thin or even known me at a healthy weight. When I became pregnant for her, I was already 45 lbs. over weight. By the time she was a year old, I was in the 200’s. Now I’m 199. I don’t think she fully understands the magnitude of that. She sees me battle, she sees me win. Thankfully, to her, I’m just Mommy. And that’s who I want to continue to be. Losing weight is giving me more energy to do things with her. It is giving me extra time to be with her.

…….

I’ve maintained 199 lbs for a whole week! It’s a slipper slope, that number. You could go either way. So I’m ready now to keep breaking down the weight loss wall. I set myself a 7.5 pound weight loss goal for this 40 day round. I feel like it’s rather ambitious, but I think I can do it. I haven’t worked out in 2 weeks and was still able to lose 3 lbs. just dieting! I’m ready to crank it up. I said once I broke 200 I would begin working on changing my body composition again. Shooting to be in a size 14 by June 19th. My birthday is June 26th, so if I could be 190 by my 29th birthday I will celebrate BIG TIME! Wish me luck, okay! ‘Cause I’m going to need it!!!

turning my health journey into a spiritual journey (my battle with extremes)

**Just a little notice. This blog is long, and is preachy. So if it’s not your cup of tea, I wont be offended if you don’t read.**

Living a healthy life style is admirable. Losing weight can be inspirational. A journey of huge weight loss proportions is epic! It can be epic, and a little obsessive. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with extremes. Some thing becomes a super priority, and then everything else just falls by the wayside. I really don’t like that about myself. I know that it annoys the hell out of my husband. I just can’t help it! Or can I? …No, really. Can I?

I started this blog, not just because I was a miserable fat person, but because I was a person who struggled (and obviously still does) with extremes. I couldn’t just eat 1 cheese burger. I had to have 2 double cheeses burgers. It wasn’t enough that my body was telling me, “Stop eating you’re stuffed!” I was going to finish everything on plate, like it was my last meal. However, I wasn’t just dealing with food issues, I was dealing with spiritual issues too.

I am a born again Christian. I grew up in church, and when I was 11 years old, I got saved at a Vacation Bible School. I sang in church from age 11 till about 2 years ago. I was involved in youth group and the worship team. I love my church life, friends and family. I love God. That is a big part of who I am. Some where down the line though, I just stopped caring. I lost my identity. I have been feeling lost for a good while now. Now, not to get into a long testimonial, but I need to get right. If you read any of my earlier posts, I believe that they were deeply emotional and spiritual. I cannot separate those parts of me. My health issues where very much connected with my spiritual issues.

I give a lot of credit to my husband for helping me out, in my weight loss journey. He’s been supportive. He’s been real with me about my food choices and image distortions. I give a lot of credit to my best friend. She has also been supportive; guiding me, cheering me on and even yelling at me. This journey would have been a lot harder without them. However, and yes I will testify, the person I hardly ever give credit to is my God. He has given me wisdom. He had to remove a lot fear and doubt out of my heart. He had to give me the ability to see myself in a true positive light. I know I could have never done this without Him.

And yet, I continually try to keep Him out of it….but only when I feel that I can do it on my own. Give me a day when I feel ugly, huge as a house and lost in this world, and I’m yelling out “Help me, Jesus! I can’t do this without you!”

Remember, I have an issue with extremes. When I started this journey I was pitiful, leaning on God’s shoulder for every answer. I started working out and my body started getting stronger….Maaaannn, I became so obsessed with myself, it ain’t even funny. And what honestly makes me so mad and confused is, how can you make a journey that is you-you-you, day in and day out, about anything else? I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying. Well, not all together…of course I have to pray when I need something. *-*

So, I had to do what I knew I had to do. Repent. I had to repent because I was so self-centered. I had to repent because I didn’t believe God could do anything for me. That is raw truth. I DID NOT BELIEVE HE COULD HELP ME AT ALL! Why would the God of the Universe worry about me trying to lose weight? What could the God of the Universe have to say about health? I had to laugh at myself for such statements. Then I had to repent after I read this: But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he(me)has done has been done through God.–John 3:21 NIV

I have not been living in God’s truth. I have not being doing this weight loss thing completely through Him. Yes, God worries about our bodies and our body image, because He loves us and sees us with much more compassionate eyes. God could give me more insight into how my body works because, uh duh, He created it! *sigh*

So, to make a long blog short (sorry about that!), my next forty day challenge will not only be to continue with the external, but also focus on the internal. I have a long way to go in reconciling my body with my heart, mind and spirit. I belong to Jesus. So He deserves my focus, and in turn, I know He will reward me with wisdom and time to keep up with my body.

There is a little fear that I’ll drop all my health plans to pursue religious emotions. I don’t need to eat healthy or exercise. Jesus is all I need. I’ve done it before. And to get preachy once more, you honestly can’t follow Christ halfheartedly. He is an “all or nothing” God. So I cannot be a “some of the time” believer. So, how can I help it? By living out the journey, one day at a time.