Blogging again and letting go of Facebook

Wow! I hadn’t really realized how long I had disappeared from this blog.

I found myself slowly climbing back up the scale. Actually, last year in October, I went to the emergency room with severe pains in my stomach. The doctors thought it was my gallbladder. They ran blood work, I had an ultrasound done…nothing. Everything was clear. All they could some up was that I had gastritis or an ulcer. So they sent me home. That weekend I had another blood test to check for H. pylori. Clear there too. Every since then I have had a chronic battle with my stomach and a battle with the “poor me’s”.

I haven’t yet gotten a reign on my diet. My exercise is totally nonexistent. But this blog has been in the back of my brain nagging me. I knew that I had to get back on it. Blogging that is. Resurrecting the Girl is about a fight. And I don’t want to quit.

Actually, I decided to come back today because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter. Besides wanting to feel better and look better, this blog was also supposed to be about my mental and spiritual well-being. When I was rolling on the fitness train, I was obsessed! But I was doing awesome! The other parts of me that needed such similar attention fell by the way side.

I have been struggling a lot with my identity. I feel like I lost a part of myself when I became overweight and then obese. Also, becoming an adult has been very awkward for me. I was and am (deep inside, now it is hidden) a social butterfly of sorts. I am silly. I am funny (people I guess are laughing at me if not with me!). I used to be the life of the party. Gaining weight has made me uncomfortable in my own skin. However, at my own peril I have alienated those I long to be around the most, friends.

Many things had happened in my life, and feeling unworthy has become my niche. The cross that I carry daily. I was using Facebook to basically hurt myself. I was torturing myself by watching others from the outside. Watching old friends having fun with new friends. I am feeling miles away from a world that I don’t know even know I can get back to. So I had to cut it out. I know that I have friends. I actually have many good friends and people who I adore immensely. Yet, I don’t have a best friend (other than my husband) near by. My actual go-to-girl, my LOVE (!), lives in another state, and though we communicate practically every day, all day…I miss the closeness of a friends laugh, hug and jabs.

I want to learn to really love myself as I am and for who I am…. because that is so important in loving others genuinely. I don’t want to be jealous, which I am. I don’t want to be  bitter, which I fear may be true. I don’t want to compare myself to others any more. I don’t want to reject myself any more.

So, I am planning on getting back on track with my health; because if I have to live with gastritis, I can’t take my health lightly. But I am going to work on another project in the mean time. I loved my 40 day rounds when I blogged about fitness and health. So I’m going to blog about 40 days without Facebook.

This is my first post, and though right now I feel relieved of it (Facebook) I know I will feel the pain of it tomorrow when I go back to work. The incessant checking on my phone I know will drive me crazy. I took all my social apps off, well except for Instagram. Facebook is like a disease, and I’m sure if you’re normal and have a Facebook page, you know exactly what I mean. I’m going to need a prayer. I need to find contentment in myself and in my circumstances whether I feel good about them or not. I want to know what it means to cultivate real friendship, a true friendship…possibly get back to the purity of friendship before Facebook.

We’ll see what happens I guess. I keep saying it, but one way or the other this girl is going to resurrect!

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a year gone & a new year for living with passion

Today makes exactly one year since I started this blog and my Resurrecting journey. It has been a year of many ups and downs, victories and defeats. I have learned a lot about myself and my resolve. I had no idea up until this last year how I actually ticked and functioned.

In one year I have lost 10% of my body weight (22 lbs to date), and though I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, I’m pretty sure I have brought down my cholesterol. I have learned how strong I really am, how scared I am and how much further I still have to go.

Since my birthday, back in June, I have fallen off the health and fitness wagon. I have been struggling to get back on. I have two weddings coming up and I cannot show up looking a hot mess. I want to look hot! hehehehe

Other than continuing my weight loss journey, I had to remind myself of all the reasons I started this blog in the first place. Originally, yes, I began this blog because I was fat and tired and tired of being fat and tired. (Read here) However, as I read back on my earlier blogs I realized that being fat wasn’t my only problem. I was very unhappy with my life in general. My health was a mess. My spiritual/Christian life was a mess. I had no dreams or vision, and I was drowning.

Though my weight has changed, not much of anything else really has. It has been a constant pull and push on all the other areas. Two steps forward, one step back kind of deals. That has been very frustrating. Though a year has gone by (and it’s been a good year), I must continue in a frame of thought that this “resurrecting” process is for life. I have not been able to make a steady life change on eating healthier and being more active. I have not made a steady life change toward prayer and devotion (personal Bible study). I’m still treading water, and it’s exhausting.

The last couple of weeks have a been a little stressful for me. Things at worked seemed a little unsure. As I said, my health and fitness took a major snooze. I began to become overwhelmed with a feeling of emptiness. I was unhappy. I had no vision or dream. I began to pray out of desperation and embarrassment. I need a dream, a vision. I need structure and clarity. I want to thrive not just survive. So, I am in the midst of devising a new strategy for my new year.

I know enough now what I should be eating and how I should be working out. I have to stop making excuses and put in the work. I know I need order and schedules and plans. So I need to make them to follow through. The same goes with prayer and devotion to God. It doesn’t just happen. And I have been fooling myself waiting around for the clouds to open… This new year is about learning to focus and surrender. I love my comfort zones, and I love to sleep and laze my day away. Yet I panic when I feel like there is no time to do things I know are important.

I wrote out what I do on a weekly basis,  a 168 hour week. In 168 hours I found a least 20 hours that weren’t ear marked for anything. Though there should be time for rest/leisure, these hours were just being wasted. I was really shocked. My excuse of “no time” fell flat. So, how to fill the time?

I love, loooove to sleep. Sleeping is a god to me. It’s a harsh reality I had to confront. I always say there’s no time to pray or read my Bible in silence. How about I wake up 45 minutes earlier and do this? But Sleep…sweet wonderful Sleep? This can’t be any longer. I actually sleep way too much any way. Waking up 45 minutes to an hour earlier wont kill me. (Or will it?)

I fell off the fitness train, and again I say “there is no time”. I found 1 whole hour almost every day where I wasn’t doing anything in particular. Gym time found. Next excuse…

I need to learn that time real does not wait for anyone. You either use the time, or you lose it. Forever. Time is something you never get back, and that may cause some of our biggest regrets. I want to use my time wisely to grow, to live better and to accomplish my dreams. This past year was about getting my self-esteem back. This new year is going to be about living with passion.

turning my health journey into a spiritual journey (my battle with extremes)

**Just a little notice. This blog is long, and is preachy. So if it’s not your cup of tea, I wont be offended if you don’t read.**

Living a healthy life style is admirable. Losing weight can be inspirational. A journey of huge weight loss proportions is epic! It can be epic, and a little obsessive. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with extremes. Some thing becomes a super priority, and then everything else just falls by the wayside. I really don’t like that about myself. I know that it annoys the hell out of my husband. I just can’t help it! Or can I? …No, really. Can I?

I started this blog, not just because I was a miserable fat person, but because I was a person who struggled (and obviously still does) with extremes. I couldn’t just eat 1 cheese burger. I had to have 2 double cheeses burgers. It wasn’t enough that my body was telling me, “Stop eating you’re stuffed!” I was going to finish everything on plate, like it was my last meal. However, I wasn’t just dealing with food issues, I was dealing with spiritual issues too.

I am a born again Christian. I grew up in church, and when I was 11 years old, I got saved at a Vacation Bible School. I sang in church from age 11 till about 2 years ago. I was involved in youth group and the worship team. I love my church life, friends and family. I love God. That is a big part of who I am. Some where down the line though, I just stopped caring. I lost my identity. I have been feeling lost for a good while now. Now, not to get into a long testimonial, but I need to get right. If you read any of my earlier posts, I believe that they were deeply emotional and spiritual. I cannot separate those parts of me. My health issues where very much connected with my spiritual issues.

I give a lot of credit to my husband for helping me out, in my weight loss journey. He’s been supportive. He’s been real with me about my food choices and image distortions. I give a lot of credit to my best friend. She has also been supportive; guiding me, cheering me on and even yelling at me. This journey would have been a lot harder without them. However, and yes I will testify, the person I hardly ever give credit to is my God. He has given me wisdom. He had to remove a lot fear and doubt out of my heart. He had to give me the ability to see myself in a true positive light. I know I could have never done this without Him.

And yet, I continually try to keep Him out of it….but only when I feel that I can do it on my own. Give me a day when I feel ugly, huge as a house and lost in this world, and I’m yelling out “Help me, Jesus! I can’t do this without you!”

Remember, I have an issue with extremes. When I started this journey I was pitiful, leaning on God’s shoulder for every answer. I started working out and my body started getting stronger….Maaaannn, I became so obsessed with myself, it ain’t even funny. And what honestly makes me so mad and confused is, how can you make a journey that is you-you-you, day in and day out, about anything else? I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying. Well, not all together…of course I have to pray when I need something. *-*

So, I had to do what I knew I had to do. Repent. I had to repent because I was so self-centered. I had to repent because I didn’t believe God could do anything for me. That is raw truth. I DID NOT BELIEVE HE COULD HELP ME AT ALL! Why would the God of the Universe worry about me trying to lose weight? What could the God of the Universe have to say about health? I had to laugh at myself for such statements. Then I had to repent after I read this: But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he(me)has done has been done through God.–John 3:21 NIV

I have not been living in God’s truth. I have not being doing this weight loss thing completely through Him. Yes, God worries about our bodies and our body image, because He loves us and sees us with much more compassionate eyes. God could give me more insight into how my body works because, uh duh, He created it! *sigh*

So, to make a long blog short (sorry about that!), my next forty day challenge will not only be to continue with the external, but also focus on the internal. I have a long way to go in reconciling my body with my heart, mind and spirit. I belong to Jesus. So He deserves my focus, and in turn, I know He will reward me with wisdom and time to keep up with my body.

There is a little fear that I’ll drop all my health plans to pursue religious emotions. I don’t need to eat healthy or exercise. Jesus is all I need. I’ve done it before. And to get preachy once more, you honestly can’t follow Christ halfheartedly. He is an “all or nothing” God. So I cannot be a “some of the time” believer. So, how can I help it? By living out the journey, one day at a time.

it’s a new day (letting go and moving on)

I need to be thankful for every new day. Every morning that I wake up is a miracle. Everyday is another day to do better. Everyday I receive is another chance to accept myself. What does every new day bring about for you? Is it dread, fear, regret? Or is it determination, courage and hope? I know that I have come along way in resurrecting myself since I first started this blog, but this past 40 day round showed me that there is still more to do. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever really be done resurrecting the girl. As long as I live this life, here on this earth, there will always be obstacles, trials and new things to do and learn.

As much as I lamented over doing nothing the past month, I can’t take for granted the things that it showed me. I was still struggling with insecurity and was waning in the courage it takes to fight everyday for what I need.

Last night, I confronted a bout of insecurity. One thing that I really hate is feeling inferior. And if you know anything, the only person that can keep you feeling this way is yourself. I know someone who started losing weight right around (one of the many times) when I was trying to lose weight. This person worked hard for sure, and excelled and seemed to get very good results fairly quickly. I was impressed, admired their hard work and dedication; and yet, I felt resentment, jealousy and inferiority. I felt damaged and supremely insecure. I couldn’t stand to be around this person. Though they never knew it, nor ever flaunted their success, I felt attacked. I felt cornered. It was disgusting.

 At the time though, my self-esteem was dragging through the mud. Yesterday I finally decided, enough was enough. I needed to speak to this person. Why? Because I needed their forgiveness. My own hang ups made me place them in a prison, and in turn locked me up as well. I wanted to be their friend, and I wanted to enjoy their company. So last night, I spoke with them, with much humility because this sort of confession is utterly embarrassing….and it was amazing. I set them free. I set myself free. They forgave me and loved me. Now I’m ready to start again without having to compare myself.

It’s tough not to look over at others and not compare yourself, but we need to learn to run our own race..even when everyone else is way ahead. I need to put things into perspective and learn to love myself, now, as I am. After every goal accomplished, I need to learn to love where I am, who I am and take that love into the next phase. I can’t control what other people are doing, or what other people think about me. I can only control what I think about myself. That is the only opinion that truly shapes me.

So let’s start everyday with new hope and courage; letting go of the past and looking forward to the future with faith, hope and love, in and for ourselves.

 

25: just keep on going

Geezum… Finally got around to writing this week. It’s been nuts-o getting back on track. Last weekend we celebrated my daughter’s 6th birthday. That alone seemed to take over the entire weekend, and the rest of the week seemed like a health bust. I maintained my weight over the week, with only a couple of food pit falls, but I didn’t move at all! My body yearned for the activity, but my foggy mind completely won the battle. Now, they say “mind over matter”, but this was ridiculous.

I have to admit that Mission LBD S14 is not going to get accomplished as I had hoped. So I just decided to edit the mission. I’m going to concentrate on eating lean and training mean. God help me (Amen), I will not eat any fast food for the rest of this month. I want to kick the habit severely. I just would like like to see myself drop 4 more pounds before this year is over. I know I can do it.

I started over this weekend with the eating lean, and today I finally got off my behind and went to the park. I walked my 4 miles, which I originally was not planning on doing, and I finished them in 78 minutes! I shaved off 2 minutes from my previous times of 80 minutes! I concentrated solely on walking. I briskly walked the first 3 miles in about an hour, and did some light jogging in the last mile. I had less than a quarter of a mile to go before completing the last mile. I looked down at the clock. The time read 4:55pm, and I took off in a mad sprint toward my car! It felt so good. It was almost freeing, like flying. Now my legs feel like cinder blocks, but oh well, I’ll rest well tonight. 😉

……..

I’ve started getting my Bible reading and church going back on track. God is amazing. It’s so funny to me how I can bounce right back into His word and feel like a scholar. lol The first day I started, I read the first 3 chapters of Matthew. Spent 40 minutes of it researching gold, frankinsence and myrrh. Received so much from it. God is so generous. Don’t ever think you can’t get anything from Him. He’s willing and waiting to give. We just have to ask for it, seek it, and knock for it.That’s one thing that I have learned also from my Matthew readings. We must do the leg work. We can’t expect everything to fall in to our laps. God rewards our work. He admires and encourages diligence!

Tie that truth (as I am trying to) into everything you do. Don’t be afraid to do the work. Don’t be afraid to take the leap into starting over and over and over again, if you must. There are lessons to learn with everything victory and defeat. So just keep going! Walk (and eat and exercise) by faith and not by sight! Results don’t show up  over  night. The best things are worth fighting and waiting for! What good is knowledge of the Word, if we lack a humble heart to put what we learn into practice? And what good is a size 12 body, if you lack the discipline to maintain it?

Things to think about this week. Thank God for another week, another day. I want to do my best to keep going; I pray that you’re able to do the same.

 

15: finding idols and resurrecting priorities

I wrote once (in another blog) about seasons in life being like a pendulum. Sometimes you’re swinging high, and sometimes you’re swinging low. You never know how long you’re going to be in a particular season or situation, good or bad. Life is a scary thing to live out when you have so many uncertainties. Life itself is a huge uncertainty, actually. I think the best word to use is “questions”. Life is a scary thing to live out when you have so many questions.
On my personal journey, I have constantly battled questioning my priorities and finding balance between them. My eternal question is, “How do you prioritize, when everything is important?” Kids, marriage, work, health, God…whatever it may be, life is a juggling act! Where do you start?
It’s a tier. For me, I know that God, ultimately, is first because through His mercy He trickles His kindness and grace down to everything else that is important to me. Sean is the love of my life, and the first person in my circle of influence. Andrea, my baby, who needs so much tender guidance and discipline. Work, because I have to help take care of my family. My health. I can’t do anything if I’m dead! What’s your list look like?
I can’t say for sure that I practice what I preach, in that order. I know for sure that I don’t because the art of balance is something I struggle with. Remember about my boxes? The “Real Life Box” and the “God Box”. Balance is about compartmentalizing. You should have all your ducks in a row, so to speak. However, I struggle with adding God to the mix of everything. After thought and a short prayer, God showed me the strong hold. I don’t care about Him. I only care about myself.
It was a shot to the heart! It is totally true. Spiritually, I am on a broad road looking for just enough God to push me through. Yet, I don’t live for Him. I live for Alejandra. My reluctant attitude toward devotion, prayer and church is only because I’m looking for the wrong thing. I haven’t been looking for God. I confess it because I know I can’t hide it for much longer. My heart is sick, my spirit is weak, and my flesh prevails! I need God’s love. I have been too busy looking for everyone else’s.
I have spent a long time, honestly depressed, feeling like I had no friends. God, I realize now, has been testing my heart. I find my value in my friendships. I find security and refuge in them, but they have become my idols. God has brought me to a big desert trying to whisper to me His love (Hosea 2), but I haven’t been wanting to listen. I have been trying to rationalize my existence. “God you created humans for relationship. Why have you taken my friends away?” But the true relationship we were created for is the one with our Creator. Friends are just a bonus!
Writing this makes my heart ache and makes me hopeful at the same time. Maybe it’s not too late to resurrect my true priorities! Nothing in this life matters without you, Jesus, and I fear my love growing cold! Help me find you in everything. Help me to seek you only. Help me find balance between the mundane and the supernatural. Amen

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5: it was a good day

After a busy weekend, Monday was almost welcomed. I was really waiting to see how my morning routine was going to translate here in Belle Chasse. I woke up around 5:30am, read my Bible and prayed. At 6am, I started getting ready for work. I had enough time to have a relaxing cup of coffee, get my lunch ready, even put on makeup before I walked out the door! 🙂

Needless to say, I felt real good this morning. Even though I had a bad food weekend, I was able to bounce back with no problem. I was ready to eat clean, I was prepared and I even was looking forward to getting to the park to work out. I did my 3 miles this evening. My trainer upped my mileage (I always stalled at 2 miles because I was scared. lol). She also instructed me to walk for 4 minutes and jog/run for 1 minute. Unfortunately, because I am so heavy right now it takes me walking 1 mile just warm up and stretch out the tendons in my knee. I don’t want to risk a set back because of an injury. So I just got to do what I got to do. I can’t jog too much just yet. It took me about 70 minutes to do the 3 miles, and I jogged 7 minutes of it. (NOT consecutively. I would die right now. lol)

Last week I struggled with the 3 miles and didn’t get my second wind till the end of the last lap. I definitely felt the burn and sweat quick today. It felt so good knowing that my body was warming up and burning up calories! I also upped my modified push ups from 10 to 15. I would like to see myself doing 20-25 push ups by Christmas.

I accomplished so many of my goals today, and it makes me feel like reaching higher tomorrow! God is opening my eyes to a lot of things; not only in His Word, but also about myself. He’s helping me connect everything about my life with Him, and that makes me feel less lost than I was feeling before. I pray that He keeps making me feel complete. As much as I want to lose weight and regain my self esteem, I don’t want to even believe that I can only feel complete in myself. I’m still trying to place everything in my “God box” than keeping Him separate from everything else…I’m praying for wisdom and more desire for Him.

4: finally getting a move on getting things done

It has been a busy weekend. Sean and I moved our bed, clothes and bathroom stuff over to his grandmother’s house. We spent our first night last night. My babygirl was so excited she didn’t know what to do with herself. It makes me so happy to see how complete she feels with us around. Sean wondered for a minute (before the move) if Andrea would really be excited, but I told  him that Andrea thrives having all of her family surrounding her. She loves being with us all, and now we’re going to be together all the time! Wonder how fast it will take for the excitement to wear off! (lol)

Other than it being a successful move, so far (still have a few things over at my mom’s), it has been a pretty unsuccessful healthy weekend. I feel pretty bad for letting myself go because it only takes a few days to ruin weeks worth of work, but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches of the day. I have to laugh at myself for that thought. It is such a horrible excuse for making bad decisions. Last night I read a quote on Facebook that really stuck in my brain. “You can’t make the same mistake twice, the second time around it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.”

For instance, yesterday for lunch we had Taco Bell. I had a XXL Grilled stuffed burrito (which killed my tummy later) and two of the greasiest hard tacos I had ever seen in my life, even for Taco Bell. Then for dinner the whole family went down to Ruby Red’s for dinner. I had a steak burger (6 oz) and fries, which I didn’t eat all of because I started getting a migraine…probably triggered by the Taco Bell. I get one, 1, O-N-E, cheat meal a weekend..and so far I have had 3! Three! It’s not funny, but I really do have to laugh at myself. Old habits die hard, yet eventually they have to die. I have to keep reminding myself that I always have a choice, and I can’t complain if I am at fault for the results.

Tomorrow starts a new week. A new week to eat right, exercise and to finally buckle down on my relationship with God. I told you that I have to schedule everything, and that relationships take effort and time. I want to take advantage of an early morning devotional and prayer time. Honestly, if I don’t do it first thing in the morning, it will never get done. Too many distractions through out the day to think that I can squeeze time for prayer and Bible reading. Besides, I want God to have my full attention. I don’t want to have to keep looking at my cell phone clock, hoping that no one is looking for me or waiting for me. I want stillness, quiet and God. I haven’t really looked forward to those things in a while. So it will be beautifully interesting to see how it all goes down.

 

1: me, myself and Christ

Finishing up my last 40 days of change, has me doing another 40 days! This time, along with continuing my weight loss journey, I will be working on my relationship with God. Remember that we are body, mind and spirit. All of these should be connected and on the same page. When they’re not, the whole system is out of sorts. God is always first, but He knows how important our minds and bodies are. He created them! The crux is putting complete trust in His hands to connect them all. In the first 40 days, I was unearthing a lot of lies that held me back from really getting off my butt and moving it! Now I have to find the lies that keep me from really relying on my Savior, Jesus.

A few weeks ago I wrote about quitting vs conviction, and what was really pushing me to quit all the time was the fear of sticking to my guns. It is the same with God. I love God because He truly loves me. Don’t ask me why, but He loves me. He of all people, deserves my love (and then some) in return. My love is weak, but totally real. It lacks the fiery zeal to pursue the knowledge of Christ with my whole heart. I yearn to remedy that.

As with weight loss, it requires planning and following through. Salvation is free, but a relationship costs. It costs because it requires effort, time and faith. All relationships require this, so a relationship with Jesus is no different. And that’s where I find my first lie!

I love to put God in a box separated from all other things in life. I always forget that He created me and because of Him, I live and move and breathe! I am at His mercy to function everyday of my life! How can I keep Him here and everything else………………………………………………….way over here? Doesn’t make any sense to me, and yet, I continually keep Him at arms reach for everything else in my life. I know it’s out of fear that I keep God at bay. Conviction is sacrifice. It is painful. It can be lonely…….and I don’t want any of those things. But I can’t be a size 8 or close to the heart of God without ANY of it!

The One who wants me to be healthy and happy, is the same One that longs for my every affection. He’s so gracious to help me get up and exercise… I have to repent for being so selfish and arrogant. God is beyond worthy of my time. He created time for crying out loud! So, an adjacent journey begins. Continuing with my healthy life style and a search for a godly one, as well.