augh! *sigh*

Ugh….I feel like Charlie Brown, so disgusted and frustrated. Is it just me? I mean, am I the only one that gets comfy and stops trying? What is that?!

Every 5 pounds lost is a battle to lose, and once it’s lost I have to wage another battle to get off my behind. I have to battle all my will. It is just so frustrating.

I have been at 195 for a while now, just kind of yo-yo-ing in fluctuation. I haven’t been working out, I don’t want to count Weight Watchers PPVs, I don’t feel like eating healthy. It’s a freakin’ war in my head right now between what I know I should be doing and what I feel like doing. Because honestly, I want to eat healthier and be fit…so what is that? What is going on?

It happens every time. I just can’t seem to convince myself fully to have faith in the process and have conviction to make the correct choices. All is not lost though I guess, if I still have a glimmer of desire to live a healthy life. I am not powerless, and I refuse to let myself fall into the lies of fatalism. I am not a fatalist! I have the tools. I have the knowledge. All I need now is the courage.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me get all that out there.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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3: a rant from a supposed hypocrite

Repentance. The simplest definition of repentance is to change direction. I’m going down one road; I realize I’m on the wrong road, and so I decide to change my direction toward the right road. I repented. 180-ed. Had a change of heart. So why does it feel that you’re a hypocrite for changing your mind? Everyone has the right to change their mind, right?

I’m battling this at the moment. My problem roots from today’s events at lunch. I went home to eat lunch. My daughter is home because she’s off from school. When she’s home my in-laws take care of her because my husband and I work full-time. She excitedly tells me that she is having fast food again for lunch today. She had Mc Donald’s yesterday for lunch, and today she’s eating Burger King. It made me cringe on the inside, but the child has to eat and I couldn’t take it out of her mouth.

Our family dynamic is quite peculiar, and because of that it has led my husband and I to take advantage of it in the past. Thankfully, my little one has grandparents who are ga-ga about her and take care of her. This has led us to leave her with them more than the “norm”.  Due to this fault, there is a big blur with authority lines, and leaves me feeling like a huge hypocrite at times. I can’t completely keep my in-laws from buying fast food if they’re all eating together. And I’m not becoming fanatical in saying that just because I’m trying to steer clear from the junk food that Andrea can never have it either.

So, what does this have to do with repentance? My change in diet has been for me alone. I’m the one that has to lose weight. However, the more I learn about food and the healthier I eat, the more I want to pass the knowledge along to my family. I repent from eating fast food everyday. I repent for being a junk food enabler to my husband. Now I want to repent for passing on such a horrible habit to my daughter.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am a wimp that runs from confrontation. I want to repent, but changing the rules from one day to the other feels hypocritical. What was that thing again about convictions? Not everyday is going to be perfect, and on this new journey there is going to be a lot of trial and error…BUT I can’t let other people’s opinions change my convictions or what I know to be best for my daughter.

I’m glad I write these things down, or I would never put my lessons into practice. Thanks for listening to my rant. I’ll let you know how this plays out.