a year gone & a new year for living with passion

Today makes exactly one year since I started this blog and my Resurrecting journey. It has been a year of many ups and downs, victories and defeats. I have learned a lot about myself and my resolve. I had no idea up until this last year how I actually ticked and functioned.

In one year I have lost 10% of my body weight (22 lbs to date), and though I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, I’m pretty sure I have brought down my cholesterol. I have learned how strong I really am, how scared I am and how much further I still have to go.

Since my birthday, back in June, I have fallen off the health and fitness wagon. I have been struggling to get back on. I have two weddings coming up and I cannot show up looking a hot mess. I want to look hot! hehehehe

Other than continuing my weight loss journey, I had to remind myself of all the reasons I started this blog in the first place. Originally, yes, I began this blog because I was fat and tired and tired of being fat and tired. (Read here) However, as I read back on my earlier blogs I realized that being fat wasn’t my only problem. I was very unhappy with my life in general. My health was a mess. My spiritual/Christian life was a mess. I had no dreams or vision, and I was drowning.

Though my weight has changed, not much of anything else really has. It has been a constant pull and push on all the other areas. Two steps forward, one step back kind of deals. That has been very frustrating. Though a year has gone by (and it’s been a good year), I must continue in a frame of thought that this “resurrecting” process is for life. I have not been able to make a steady life change on eating healthier and being more active. I have not made a steady life change toward prayer and devotion (personal Bible study). I’m still treading water, and it’s exhausting.

The last couple of weeks have a been a little stressful for me. Things at worked seemed a little unsure. As I said, my health and fitness took a major snooze. I began to become overwhelmed with a feeling of emptiness. I was unhappy. I had no vision or dream. I began to pray out of desperation and embarrassment. I need a dream, a vision. I need structure and clarity. I want to thrive not just survive. So, I am in the midst of devising a new strategy for my new year.

I know enough now what I should be eating and how I should be working out. I have to stop making excuses and put in the work. I know I need order and schedules and plans. So I need to make them to follow through. The same goes with prayer and devotion to God. It doesn’t just happen. And I have been fooling myself waiting around for the clouds to open… This new year is about learning to focus and surrender. I love my comfort zones, and I love to sleep and laze my day away. Yet I panic when I feel like there is no time to do things I know are important.

I wrote out what I do on a weekly basis,  a 168 hour week. In 168 hours I found a least 20 hours that weren’t ear marked for anything. Though there should be time for rest/leisure, these hours were just being wasted. I was really shocked. My excuse of “no time” fell flat. So, how to fill the time?

I love, loooove to sleep. Sleeping is a god to me. It’s a harsh reality I had to confront. I always say there’s no time to pray or read my Bible in silence. How about I wake up 45 minutes earlier and do this? But Sleep…sweet wonderful Sleep? This can’t be any longer. I actually sleep way too much any way. Waking up 45 minutes to an hour earlier wont kill me. (Or will it?)

I fell off the fitness train, and again I say “there is no time”. I found 1 whole hour almost every day where I wasn’t doing anything in particular. Gym time found. Next excuse…

I need to learn that time real does not wait for anyone. You either use the time, or you lose it. Forever. Time is something you never get back, and that may cause some of our biggest regrets. I want to use my time wisely to grow, to live better and to accomplish my dreams. This past year was about getting my self-esteem back. This new year is going to be about living with passion.

turning my health journey into a spiritual journey (my battle with extremes)

**Just a little notice. This blog is long, and is preachy. So if it’s not your cup of tea, I wont be offended if you don’t read.**

Living a healthy life style is admirable. Losing weight can be inspirational. A journey of huge weight loss proportions is epic! It can be epic, and a little obsessive. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with extremes. Some thing becomes a super priority, and then everything else just falls by the wayside. I really don’t like that about myself. I know that it annoys the hell out of my husband. I just can’t help it! Or can I? …No, really. Can I?

I started this blog, not just because I was a miserable fat person, but because I was a person who struggled (and obviously still does) with extremes. I couldn’t just eat 1 cheese burger. I had to have 2 double cheeses burgers. It wasn’t enough that my body was telling me, “Stop eating you’re stuffed!” I was going to finish everything on plate, like it was my last meal. However, I wasn’t just dealing with food issues, I was dealing with spiritual issues too.

I am a born again Christian. I grew up in church, and when I was 11 years old, I got saved at a Vacation Bible School. I sang in church from age 11 till about 2 years ago. I was involved in youth group and the worship team. I love my church life, friends and family. I love God. That is a big part of who I am. Some where down the line though, I just stopped caring. I lost my identity. I have been feeling lost for a good while now. Now, not to get into a long testimonial, but I need to get right. If you read any of my earlier posts, I believe that they were deeply emotional and spiritual. I cannot separate those parts of me. My health issues where very much connected with my spiritual issues.

I give a lot of credit to my husband for helping me out, in my weight loss journey. He’s been supportive. He’s been real with me about my food choices and image distortions. I give a lot of credit to my best friend. She has also been supportive; guiding me, cheering me on and even yelling at me. This journey would have been a lot harder without them. However, and yes I will testify, the person I hardly ever give credit to is my God. He has given me wisdom. He had to remove a lot fear and doubt out of my heart. He had to give me the ability to see myself in a true positive light. I know I could have never done this without Him.

And yet, I continually try to keep Him out of it….but only when I feel that I can do it on my own. Give me a day when I feel ugly, huge as a house and lost in this world, and I’m yelling out “Help me, Jesus! I can’t do this without you!”

Remember, I have an issue with extremes. When I started this journey I was pitiful, leaning on God’s shoulder for every answer. I started working out and my body started getting stronger….Maaaannn, I became so obsessed with myself, it ain’t even funny. And what honestly makes me so mad and confused is, how can you make a journey that is you-you-you, day in and day out, about anything else? I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying. Well, not all together…of course I have to pray when I need something. *-*

So, I had to do what I knew I had to do. Repent. I had to repent because I was so self-centered. I had to repent because I didn’t believe God could do anything for me. That is raw truth. I DID NOT BELIEVE HE COULD HELP ME AT ALL! Why would the God of the Universe worry about me trying to lose weight? What could the God of the Universe have to say about health? I had to laugh at myself for such statements. Then I had to repent after I read this: But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he(me)has done has been done through God.–John 3:21 NIV

I have not been living in God’s truth. I have not being doing this weight loss thing completely through Him. Yes, God worries about our bodies and our body image, because He loves us and sees us with much more compassionate eyes. God could give me more insight into how my body works because, uh duh, He created it! *sigh*

So, to make a long blog short (sorry about that!), my next forty day challenge will not only be to continue with the external, but also focus on the internal. I have a long way to go in reconciling my body with my heart, mind and spirit. I belong to Jesus. So He deserves my focus, and in turn, I know He will reward me with wisdom and time to keep up with my body.

There is a little fear that I’ll drop all my health plans to pursue religious emotions. I don’t need to eat healthy or exercise. Jesus is all I need. I’ve done it before. And to get preachy once more, you honestly can’t follow Christ halfheartedly. He is an “all or nothing” God. So I cannot be a “some of the time” believer. So, how can I help it? By living out the journey, one day at a time.