Blogging again and letting go of Facebook

Wow! I hadn’t really realized how long I had disappeared from this blog.

I found myself slowly climbing back up the scale. Actually, last year in October, I went to the emergency room with severe pains in my stomach. The doctors thought it was my gallbladder. They ran blood work, I had an ultrasound done…nothing. Everything was clear. All they could some up was that I had gastritis or an ulcer. So they sent me home. That weekend I had another blood test to check for H. pylori. Clear there too. Every since then I have had a chronic battle with my stomach and a battle with the “poor me’s”.

I haven’t yet gotten a reign on my diet. My exercise is totally nonexistent. But this blog has been in the back of my brain nagging me. I knew that I had to get back on it. Blogging that is. Resurrecting the Girl is about a fight. And I don’t want to quit.

Actually, I decided to come back today because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter. Besides wanting to feel better and look better, this blog was also supposed to be about my mental and spiritual well-being. When I was rolling on the fitness train, I was obsessed! But I was doing awesome! The other parts of me that needed such similar attention fell by the way side.

I have been struggling a lot with my identity. I feel like I lost a part of myself when I became overweight and then obese. Also, becoming an adult has been very awkward for me. I was and am (deep inside, now it is hidden) a social butterfly of sorts. I am silly. I am funny (people I guess are laughing at me if not with me!). I used to be the life of the party. Gaining weight has made me uncomfortable in my own skin. However, at my own peril I have alienated those I long to be around the most, friends.

Many things had happened in my life, and feeling unworthy has become my niche. The cross that I carry daily. I was using Facebook to basically hurt myself. I was torturing myself by watching others from the outside. Watching old friends having fun with new friends. I am feeling miles away from a world that I don’t know even know I can get back to. So I had to cut it out. I know that I have friends. I actually have many good friends and people who I adore immensely. Yet, I don’t have a best friend (other than my husband) near by. My actual go-to-girl, my LOVE (!), lives in another state, and though we communicate practically every day, all day…I miss the closeness of a friends laugh, hug and jabs.

I want to learn to really love myself as I am and for who I am…. because that is so important in loving others genuinely. I don’t want to be jealous, which I am. I don’t want to be  bitter, which I fear may be true. I don’t want to compare myself to others any more. I don’t want to reject myself any more.

So, I am planning on getting back on track with my health; because if I have to live with gastritis, I can’t take my health lightly. But I am going to work on another project in the mean time. I loved my 40 day rounds when I blogged about fitness and health. So I’m going to blog about 40 days without Facebook.

This is my first post, and though right now I feel relieved of it (Facebook) I know I will feel the pain of it tomorrow when I go back to work. The incessant checking on my phone I know will drive me crazy. I took all my social apps off, well except for Instagram. Facebook is like a disease, and I’m sure if you’re normal and have a Facebook page, you know exactly what I mean. I’m going to need a prayer. I need to find contentment in myself and in my circumstances whether I feel good about them or not. I want to know what it means to cultivate real friendship, a true friendship…possibly get back to the purity of friendship before Facebook.

We’ll see what happens I guess. I keep saying it, but one way or the other this girl is going to resurrect!

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